Paul 'Po' Sheers tasted the sweet smell of the podium club this weekend. It's a cluster of body odour, sweat and mouldy mud, a truly horrific mix of flavours that ordinarily would force your face to screw up in disgust, but when stood on any of the steps of the podium, those nasal treats change into something that reads like the side of your mums perfume bottle "A wave of extreme freshness meets with the pine tree top notes".
And so, with a heady mix of cyclocross smells, low blood sugar from an hour of exercise and climbing high onto the altitude sickness inducing top step, Paul became a member of the Vicious Velo podium club.
I myself am very au faux with being a member of the club, so I've written down the set of rules for Paul to follow.
1. First rule of podium club, ALWAYS TALK ABOUT HOW YOU ARE IN PODIUM CLUB
2. If handed a medal, sniff it and then give it a good bite (see examples below)
3. Make eye contact with every photographer whilst you stand on the podium
4. Re-tell the story of how you got into podium club as much as possible
5. When describing your lastest victory, try to make it as long winded as possible...to ensure you are really impactful, honestly, people really do want to sit through at least an hour of story telling.
6. Wear your medal whilst doing everyday task, it should prompt people to ask how you got your medal (then see points 5, 6 above)
7. Remind others you are in podium club and they are not
8. If given flowers, don't give them away to your mum, keep them on a table in the centre of the room until they are rotting and dropping sludge on the table
9. All trips to the podium shall be with as much vigor as possible, jumping, shouting, dancing and fisting pumping should be part of ones routine.
10. Be nice to the podium club fans, pass on the gift of them being able to meet you; a member of the club.
11. Get a blog, write about your membership to podium club
